Today on The Blissful Parent Podcast we are joined by one of our expert faculty members Adele Anderson. She is an NLP (aka Neuro-Linguistic Programming) master and practitioner trainer.
Adele’s specialty is working with people and more specifically counselors, families, and children. Her work helps with home behavior issues like listening, family connection and taking influential control of communication with your kids.
Adele’s work springboards the concepts and ability in learning how to manage both ours and our child’s emotions. Further deepening our family connections with each other.
Michelle: Hello and welcome to The Blissful Parenting Podcast. I’m your host, Michelle Abraham. And today I am joined by a really special guest, one of our Blissful Parenting expert faculty members. Her name is Adele Anderson. She is an NLP master, NLP practitioner trainer. And for those of you that don’t know what NLP is, neuro linguistic programming. So Adele’s specialty is, she works with people, specifically counselors, families and children to help in home behavior issues like listening, having great connection as a family, taking control of communication in a way that’s as you can have influence with your kids. And just all sorts of great things that will help you and your children behave and communicate properly together. And then outside of the home, Adele really works with people to help. Like, oh, I know she specifically helps people with learning. So it helps you springboard your learning, grasping concepts and ability to learn how to manage our emotions.
So that’s a really great thing. And one of the great things that Adele really wants her clients to know and you out there Blissful Parenting and listeners is that you know she helps parents realize that behavior is not your children. It is a form of communication. So that’s so interesting. I Adele thank you so much for being with us today. She is also the author of “Our Communication As a Superpower”, course in The Blissful Parenting library. So make sure you check that out. You can find her at lifecoachadele.com. So thank you Adele for being with us today. Excited to have you here.
Adele: Thank you Michelle. I’m looking forward to our conversation. I’m always happy to check in with you and see what’s new at Blissful Parenting.
Michelle: Yeah, so great to have you on board today. I love just our conversations today. We’re specifically talking about the neuroscience of behavior. So this is going to be a juicy one guys. Make sure you’re listening into it. So Adele, I’d love to start with like really let’s some of our listeners know you already. Some are just hearing you for the first time. So let’s take a little bit of a step back and then hear a little bit about your background. So I’d love to hear what you, how you got to this place and working with families and children. Counselors.
Adele: Yeah. Well it’s been a, it’s been a road, like everyone has their journey. So my journey began with a turning point story where I was, I found myself trapped inside a plane that had crashed and overturned in water. And the phenomenal speed and recovery of my brain to source the information that I needed was something that I just couldn’t let go of. It was something that I searched for years to try to find the tools or to try to find an understanding with how that happened for me and why I was able to survive. And when I found NLP it was really the Aha moment, I can understand how the subconscious mind played an incredible role in my survival. And it sent me on a, trajectory where I wanted to know more.
And so, you know, I started up off just being a practitioner and then a Master Practitioner and finally got my trainers. And I am passionate about neuroscience because if it can save your life, it can certainly change the behavior of your child. So, it’s something that again, I love to share, because I’m so passionate about it and it really relates to each and every person on this planet because we’re all working with the same subconscious and conscious connections within our ourselves. And to explore that and to understand it better really makes us a stronger, better, faster, wiser. I could go on and on.
Michelle: Okay. I love that. Thank you, you’re so knowledgeable. In this topic and I love like just hearing all sorts of … you can hear the passion coming through you when you’re talking about these things and what an incredible story you have to start us off with that. It’s an amazing thing that your brain did in that moment. I just can’t believe that that’s something that you can remember that your subconscious works that way is incredible. So in relation to behavior, how does the subconscious and like behavior kind of work together?
Adele: Well, when we think about children, the brain is still developing. It doesn’t actually fully mature the Neocortex, which is our greatest, latest invention. And you know, human development, you know, it’s got lots of cool tools, but fundamentally the child is working within the subconscious brain, which is mature when they are born. But Neocortex doesn’t mature until they’re about 25. So you can see the difference in concepts from the two brains and which one is really in the powerhouse. And truthfully, the speed of the neocortex always is considered the slow brain, even though it’s the wise brain. And it works out about a hundred to 120 miles per hour, where the subconscious brain works at over a hundred thousand miles per hour. And so we can use this subconscious power to engage with our child sooner, but it takes a different language that we have to have different tools in order to communicate on a subconscious brain level versus, you know, a task learning, developing neocortex.
Michelle: Wow, that’s fascinating. And I know from personally working with you, with my son, you’ve got all sorts of really great tools to do this and to, for me it was fascinating to learn about the different communication styles, that each of us have in how my communication style and my son’s communications that are completely different and how to kind of money maneuver through that. Can you think, you know, just share with our parents a little bit about what those communication different styles are and how they impact our communication.
Adele: Sure. Leaping ahead a little bit because of course, all communication requires rapport, rapport builds trust, and then the child engages with you. So of course children are bonding with your parents, but at those difficult times we see them sort of separate and that’s natural to psychological evolution. But getting back to your question, Michelle, you’re talking about something called Four Tupple and there’s actually, what we’re talking about really is our senses. So our sense of sight, hearing, smell, taste, olfactory, kinesthetic, which is our feeling, what we feel emotionally as well as physically. So if you, if you’re looking outside right now I’m looking outside over the Pacific Ocean and so quite visual, my world is coming into me visually. I see the sparkling sun off the water. I see, you know, the texture of the different islands as they get further away from me.
You know, I see certain things, I can feel the wind coming through my window giving me the temperature on my skin. You know, I can hear the whistling of the wind outside. So this is how I’m taking in the expression of my outer world. And this is the outer world. This inside, this bag of skin is our life, right? So our experience of our outer existence comes in through our sensory expression and there are stronger expressions in each of our children. So we want to know if they are a visual thinker or if they’re interpreting their world through auditory through sounds. Or are they listening to music versus are they looking at the written word or looking out into their environment? Are they feeling, are they picking up in grasping things, playing Lego, or are they very like deep seated emotionally. So the child is learning through their environment in a specific way.
Do you want to identify which of the senses your child is using to understand their world? And that’s known as Four Tupple.
Michelle: Oh, that’s amazing. And you know, it’s interesting because I related back to like, I remember reading the book, the four love languages and communicating with your husband. Is that the same thing that he’s using in that kind of theory in the book?
Adele: Well, I haven’t actually read that book so I can’t comment on it. But we do definitely know that men and women communicate differently on quite different levels and women are more verbal with their need to express themselves. There’s a bunch of different psychological things happening between men and women. So definitely there may be similar points in that you’re watching for certain clues and your education. But again, because I’m not aware of that specific book, I can comment on it.
Michelle: Okay. I always wondered about that since I started learning about your Four Tupple I was curious about that. Ah, that’s great. Do you,so now that we know the Four Tupple, like kind of communication styles, how can we then use that as a parent to our advantage in communicating with our kids?
Adele: Yeah, because we were talking about rapport. So rapport means that we kind of, you know, you, you have certain people that you find yourself really comfortable with because he kind of speaks the same language. You enjoy the same things. You have similar interests. So this makes us bond. And when we’re looking for connectedness with families, because we want ongoing influence over our children, we want this bond. And rapport is part of that. So knowing that your child’s representational styles, you’re the Four Tupples, the sensory intake allows you to communicate using words that fall into those groups. So again, if we’re talking, your child is very visual, you might notice that they watch you, they repeat by watching you versus an auditory child. Maybe repeat by listening to you. Where a kinesthetic child may, learn by repeating what you do. So you start to learn your child’s natural way to communicate and to bring information in.
And then we can use those, those types of words. So to explain that better, you know, if someone said, Ican see what you mean, well see is a visual word. Someone else might say, I get you. Well getting is actually a physical aspect of picking something up and I am getting it. So that’s a kinesthetic way of speaking. Where someone else might say, I hear what you’re saying. So here of course as an auditory word. So when we talk about Four Tupple, we’re actually listening within their communication to us the actual words that they’re using to describe their experience or to communicate with you. And if you hear a lot of words like hear, listen, tune into, a vibration, the song, the beat that you can hear. All of these words relate on a tutorial. So you can start to make word lists of the types of words your child’s using and then you use those types of words too because they are going to tune when they think you get them, when they think you understand them as because your communicating in their style of thinking not in your own. So you’re adapting your normal style and you’ll cross over with them on some levels. But you really want to be conscious of the words that you use when you actually have this conversation with your child.
Michelle: Oh, that’s fascinating. I love what you said, like keeping track of that and like writing it down so I can visualize, you know, parents like out there get their iPhones out, taking notes of when the kids are talking and like what kind of language they’re using. And when someone, when you feel like you’re understood, I think that will help with communication so much and just help them feeling connected with each other like you mentioned. I think that’s really great. So, now using this as a parent I think is going to be a really interesting tool. When you’re working with your parents and your families and the counselors and stuff. What exactly do you do with the families or with the counselors? Or how do you, in a sort of initiate like these kinds of things into,some of the tools that parents can use?
Adele: Yeah, so the first part is me learning the, what we call the back end of the mind, the subconscious mind. So finding out what type of thinker they are. And there’s a second aspect of that, which is called the metamodel and meta-programs. Well, the metamodel is really the force behind their decision making styles. And once you know their meta-model, again, you can gain influence over their decisions. So by using the Four Tupple to get in there and wiggle in and persuade them. And then you want to actually find out what their major metamodel, the programs that are running in the background. So I’ll name off the top four towards and away, internal or external matched or mismatched. And one time and several times. What do they mean? Well towards in a way means that people are making decisions based on either fear or something exciting.
When someone is moving towards something, they’re usually excited about it and they use that type of language. I’m moving towards greater health versus moving away from being ill. So you’ll see moving away is a fear based. You can see them backing up in a way in order to achieve what they want versus someone who’s looking forward to something as moving towards it. So that’s one way. Which way do they go? You can figure it out by starting to ask them some questions and we’ll get into that. Internal or external. Everybody likes to have a compliment, but there’s some people that need to know externally that you did a good job versus other people they know intrinsically that the job was well done and that’s enough for them. So which one is it? And of course as our children are growing and developing herself esteem, we want to encourage them.
So being an external gratification towards the good things that your children are doing is always helpful. It’s not going to be something that you necessarily see them shy away from. Although I do know of one young boy who likes absolutely no attention placed on him, don’t throw him a birthday party. He is an extremely internal type of thinker and he knows that he’s done a good job because he does it. But he would be embarrassed if you were to congratulate him. So you’ll learn that quite quickly if your child has the same way. Matched and mismatched. I love this one and I often use maybe two different styles of pens or maybe two different styles of something that holds water, a drinking glass, a mug. And if you think that they’re the same because their function is the same because they both have a flat bottom, they both hold liquid, you know, you have a rim, then you would maybe be looking at your world by things that are similar versus other people might say they’re different, they’re a different size, they’re a different shape.
One holds more water or less, the rim is a different thickness so that they’re completely different. So when you have a child that is looking at the world and comparing differences and the parent, the mother or the father has a metamodel where they compare similarities to make sense of the world, you can see how we can miscommunicate. So again, it’s very important to know if your child is a matching type of thinker or a mismatching type of thinker. And the last one, and this is really important for parents with teens is the one time or the several times thinker and we all have them. We have friends that do research that ask 10 people that never buy a certain thing until they know all of the what that Crockpot has. And then they’ll decide, well, I’m never going to bake a cake in it. I’m going to decide on the model B.
So yes, this is your seven times person and they’re never going to buy something. Or very seldom will they make a decision based on impulse. Where the other one is a one times they hear it and they leap. And this goes towards drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, nasty stuff. So these impulsive types of thinker and children of course have less life, experience. And so we understand based on that alone that they will make riskier decisions. So by knowing your child’s metamodel and being able to influence and know the likelihood of which choice they’re going to make in a certain situation allows you to have greater influence over them even when you’re not around.
Michelle: Wow. Just think of like curfews and like that. Having the, you know, don’t stay out too late. Drinking talk. That would, that would just change a lot of those conversations I think. And also maybe now …
Adele: I want to interrupt you there because don’t is a word that’s dropped from our brain. So the child doesn’t here, don’t stay out late. What actually goes in is stay out late. Don’t is one of those wishy washy words that our brain doesn’t know what to do with. And so I encourage you, the next time you’ve used the word don’t is to think of what the, what you just said and how it went into their mind.
Michelle: Amazing. Is and one of those ones as well. Or but is another one of those tricky words?
Adele: There is a lot of words that are kind of wishy washy. Like try, right? Yeah. Maybe tomorrow, somewhere, any, anywhere in the future. It’s sort of giving the brain and out might, there’s a bunch of wishy washy words that give the brain you know, the, I put my left foot in I put my left foot out. It gives them an opportunity to sway or the brain doesn’t actually get called to action. So I can’t is a brilliant one. You know, there, there’s the old saying, we, we’ve all heard it; “Can’t never did anything”. It’s true because you’ve told your brain that a solution is not available. And so you’ve stopped your brain from sourcing, from every piece of information, 400 billion bytes per second of information that’s been downloaded into your brain. Everything that you’ve seen, heard, tasted, smelled, kinesthetically or physically. It’s all in there. And your universal in university, which is, you know, your subconscious brain inside your mind, this brilliant amount of information.
When we say can’t, like if I was in that plane upside down drowning and I would say I can’t get out, I would have drowned. I absolutely know that. But I didn’t say that. I said, I’m getting out of the plane now. Then my brain’s sourced the information, the exact information that I needed to get out of a plane that had crashed and overturned and water. Bigger story. But the words matter is what I’m trying to get down to. Words matter. They matter for our physiology and they matter for our action. So, you know, our awareness of that is key.
Michelle: Yeah. Such an incredible story. And so when you’re working with families, you get to know like the communication style and then the metamodel and then you, then you’re able to kind of formulate some ideas. What happens next when you’re working with them?
Adele: Depending on the, on the child and what, what the, what the parents have come for. But when we’re working with subconscious brain, we’re working with story, we’re working with metaphor, we’re working with synonyms, we’re working with you know, bringing in a comparison. So for example, if I want to tell a child a certain decision that would be good, I would want to influence them with someone who they already feel an affinity too. So we know that our little children are watching Paw Patrol or they’re watching transformers. I like to use Optimus Prime or Ryder as two examples. So if something is sort of, you know, going down that not the pipe in the wrong direction and you want to change it and you’re finding you’re not having the influence that you want because they’re not listening to mom, maybe mom doesn’t know the answer. You can say to them something like, I already know that you know the answer because you know, Ryder and rider knows the answer.
So you can use these tools of stories that they’re already aware of and pick the white light, the White Knight, you know, the hero’s journey. And your child has grasped onto that already. They already know the values of Optimus Prime, they know truth and honesty and sticking up for the little guy and you know, saving the world, they have it all. So we can engage our child in making good decisions by adopting or just dropping, dropping, mentioning a name of somebody that they already grasp onto like these, you know, these heroes journeys and some of these child models and stories. So use the stories, use the stories that they love, use the figures that they love in order to influence them. And again, bypassing the critical thinker of the brain by saying, I already know you know this. You already have the answer. You’re asking me, but you already know what I’m going to say.
So this bypasses that and goes right in and they already know the answers. No, they can’t have another Twinkie before bedtime. Right?
Michelle: Yeah. That’s great. I’m going to use that one tonight, but I want to treat no, it’s like bedtime. Gotta start using some of these good great little nuggets you have given us…So great. So now tell us a little bit about the course that you made with us at Blissful Parenting, such a great course and it’s using communication as your superpower. So can you tell us a little bit about the course? Who it’s for ? What they can expect to get? Some of the takeaways in the course?
Adele: Yeah, it’s like, it’s meant for the, you know, the younger family we’re talking about, you know, understanding our children from an earlier age. We’re talking about all aspects of communication and we know that verbal, the things that are coming out of our mouth is such a small portion of, you know, of the communication that we do.
Body language for example, is up to 70 to 80% of what we say. So when your child walks into the breakfast table in the morning and reads the room before you even told them, have they made their bed, have they brushed their teeth? Have they done all of this? They already know if mom’s in a good mood or if you know what’s happening within the house. They can tell by your body language. They can tell by the expression the mannerisms, the way you’re holding your hands. You know, is the dogs tail wagging in the right direction. So we talk about body language in the very first module and also define what body language your child is using. Are they worried? Are they disapproving? Are they feeling resistant? Are they feeling disrespectful? You know, are they yawning, coughing? Are they looking biting their lip or are they holding their bodies inward?
So we learn about this and of course children as they grow start to express themselves in different ways. Their hairstyle, the dress code that they’re stepping into. So we, when we start to see changes in behavior and disposition on our child, it’s good to know that there’s something going on. So that’s the first module. And then we actually learn about safe zones. So when we talk about safe zones, it’s stuff that we immediately know I can say I’m a cross walk. What do you, what comes to mind when you think of a crosswalk? Well, there’s usually people there that are assisting in keeping things safe. The traffic moves slower. Kids are supposed to be able to move within that and feel protected. So that’s kind of a safe zone. If you think about a construction site, you know, is there danger? What is the natural feel of a construction site?
Or what about a church? You know? So we have these natural feelings that are connected to certain spaces and we can do the same thing within our home to create safe zones, which is kind of becomes a symbol that is within your child’s mind to know that it’s okay to share here. It’s okay to communicate here. I’m going to be listened to, I’m going to be heard. I can bring my friends, we can hang out, we know what is expected in the house. And then we get into a little bit of a deeper zone because obviously behavior happens and we want a harmonious house. So how do we manage that within a safe zone of the house? And it comes with criteria. So we learn what the criteria is and how we can engage in a respectful communication, which means two way dialogue and begin these forms of a harmonious house.
Module three is about magic words, knowing that there is more power in because then in please, knowing you know, you know already that if you were to say your child’s first name and second name gets their attention, if you say their first, second and last name, then you’ve got their attention.So there, there are words and associative words that we learn have more power and words that engage the imagination. So if I right now was asking you to imagine picking up a yellow lemon, bringing it up to your nose, taking a nice sniff, and then taking a wide mouth and bite right into it. What happens?
Michelle: Oh my God, that’s so funny. You mouth starts going crazy already. So funny. So visual.
Adele: We realize that words have power, right? And they have the power to ignite our imagination into something that we as parents want to focus on.
So, this is the third module. And then the fourth module moves on to oops, I passed it. Let me just go back up to destinational parenting, which is you learning the, the map of your child’s decision making process. So that you know, the foundation of how their brain not only takes in the information, through the Four Tupple, but then what it does with it and, and how that is, is going to result in you having more comfort in knowing that your child is making a certain decision. Even when you’re not there, you’re pretty certain of how their mind works. And when they come up to a certain situation in their young life with less life experience than what we have, you know, a situation that could be dangerous to them. What is the likelihood of them making either a good decision or a decision that might not be as friendly towards them?
And the fast one, the last one is called heart harmony. And it’s recognizing that we have brain cells in our heart. We have 40,000 sensory neuro sites in our heart. And quite often we forget about that. You know, they always say, speak from your heart. You know, I once had a client say, how can you ever be mad at somebody if you come from a place of love? And I know that we get triggered, but that’s our own baggage. We have to realize that what we, what we find upsetting within us is because it resonates with us somewhere. And learning how to be more settled at remembering to speak through this smaller functioning brain that’s within our heart actually reduces strength, increases our risen resilience and actually makes us live longer. So the body chemistry associated with heart harmony is worthwhile learning.
Michelle: Amazing. I love it. Oh, in giving such a great overview, our listeners, I’m sure now can really get a good picture of, and good idea of what it’s like to work with you and what it’s like to learn about the superpowers and using communication as a super power. I think that’s so important. And the connectedness, you know, we talked about that a lot. And I think with all the devices we have these days and the computers and the long commutes and you know, kids in daycares and there’s nothing wrong with that, but we’re just not as connected as we used to be as families. And I think this is really, you know, it’s really important to learn these things, to really feel that connectedness again with the families. I know as my kids have gone from two years old to three years old to now, you know, my oldest is going to be seven in a few weeks.
I feel not as connected as he’s getting older because he didn’t need me as much. So you know learning to get those connected things back through our communication and through, you know, just listening and taking the time with each other too is so important. So thank you for inspiring us today with your amazing skills and NLP and I’m so excited to, you know, just let parents know that this is something that’s available out there. This is a tool that we have, the science backed tools that are at our tips for resources to use for parenting. Like we’re not alone. This is, this has been around for a long time. This is proven techniques. This is very cool. And I think applying it to parenting is such a good thing. So Adele, thank you so much for being with us today. I wanted to thank you.
We are so lucky to have you on our faculty of Blissful Parenting. You know, guys, if you’re interested in this, in the communication of superpower course, please go check it out at BlissfulParenting.com. And Adele, make sure you follow Adele. She’s got lots of great, lots of great things. Her podcast is “Mind Your Freedom”. You can find that on Apple podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher and Spotify, all the major platforms out there. And you know, just want to get into this minding, you know being mindful of our communication and I think this will help us all become better parents. So thank you Adele for being with us today.
Adele: Thanks so much for allowing me to share. Michelle, I’m so passionate about what we can do for ourselves, for our families, for our children, to make all of our lives you know, just function better. But also to, you know, enjoy the process. Raising kids is one of the biggest things we’ll ever do. And to have a few more tools, ways to switch out what’s not working is a, you know, is just, it’s there for you if you need it, it’s there for you.
Michelle: That’s amazing. And I heard a statistic from someone earlier where we spend 90% of the time we’re ever going to spend with our children before they turn age 10. So that’s crazy. We can think of it that way. But you know that’s when it’s so important in this, you know, in their early stages of the communication. And Adele, if people want to reach out to you directly, where can they find you?
Adele: My email is, firstname.lastname@example.org you can go to my website, which is lifecoachadele.com. I’m here for you. If you have a quick question, just pop it in. I’m more than happy to send you back a quick text and tell you a little bit more about what I do or even just answer a quick question for you.
Michelle: Wow. Yeah. That parents who’ve got her cell phone number to text her question. That’s amazing. Thank you, Adele, for your generosity and your wisdom today. And parents make sure you connect with Adele and keep following her, listen to her podcast “Mind Your Freedom”. It’s awesome, and stay tuned. See you next time on the Blissful Parenting Podcast. Thanks again.
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