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I’m now going to talk to you about four things you can do that will help you to solve any parenting problem without the usual emotions and frustrations that go along with solving that problem or dealing with the problem in that moment.
The first thing you can do is to keep yourself calm. This works especially well when you’re feeling emotional, when those feels of frustration are building inside you. When you’re dealing with emotional responses or physical responses, you need to keep yourself calm. Not too calm where you start to go passive or into no response at all; but you need to calm yourself down. As we said before, when you are in an escalated emotional state, you’re ability to tap into logic and intelligence as a way of finding solutions goes away.
You need to calm yourself down. If you need to remove yourself from the situation for a few moments to calm down, relax, think it through, then do that. But whatever it takes to calm yourself down and there’s at least a dozen ways that we can show you techniques that you can use to calm yourself from any emotional state.
Next is to think before you act. If you are simply responding as a reaction to what’s going on, you may not be doing the right thing in that moment that’s going to help correct the problem in the short-term and to help eliminate the problem in the long-term. So you need to take those few moments to think about your response. Plan ahead so that next time this happens, you have a plan, you have an idea of what you’re going to say and what you’re going to do. Not that you’re going to do that exact thing in that moment, but planning ahead is going to give you a grounding and a confidence that you’re going to know what to do in that moment.
You can get ideas from other parents, your next door neighbor, your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister, friends that have kids, but do understand that what worked well for them might not necessarily work for you; they’re simply ideas. They are things you can put in your toolkit and to pull out at the appropriate time.
So when you give yourself that time to think, you can choose the response you want to use in that moment and then do it on purpose.
Number 3 is act every time. When the behavior happens and you calm yourself down and you think about the reaction you’re going to have, then you need to act. You can’t simply ignore it and hope that the problem is going to get any better. Getting stuck in no response is the worst response you could ever do because it tells the child, it communicates to them that you don’t know what to do. That is an area that could be exploited later if they’re trying to get their own way. Mom and dad don’t know how to deal with me so when I behave this way they’re going to give me what I want. You can’t let that work or the behavior will get even worse.
So you must take an action every single time whether or not that action actually worked in that moment or not is not the point. The point is that you’re sending a message that the behavior is not going to be acceptable and that this is what I expect in the future.
Number 4 – surround yourself with support. Sometimes parenting can feel like a very lonely job. If you’re trying to deal with behavior or other problems and you just don’t feel like you have anyone you can talk to or turn to, it can be an extremely lonely situation.
And in the moment it’s even hard to find support when the problem is actually happening. So what you want to do is build a support system around you, other parents that can give you suggestions, ideas or just be someone that can listen to you. Whether that’s your next door neighbor, your parents, your brother or sister, or other parents that you meet out there, build yourself a support system.
That’s one of the purposes of The Blissful Parent is we want to be a support system for parents who need suggestions, who need ideas of what to do and how to deal with parenting issues in a very calm and rational way. And, to actually enjoy the process of raising a family.
If you can learn to master these four things, then becoming a Blissful Parent is actually a really simple thing to do. The problem is that sometimes when we don’t have the tools or the training or the ideas to fall back on, it can be difficult to know what to focus on.
Now, you’ve got a couple of choices here. You can either work on changing yourself or you can do what most people do and that it trying to change their kids. But the problem is that by focusing on changing the kids to get rid of the disrespectful behavior or the other problems, it is a very difficult thing to do because it’s easier to change yourself than another human being. Trying to change another person is going to be so difficult it’s literally a recipe for disaster. The problem is only going to get worse.
The key to solving the problem is to look at your own reactions and to work on changing yourself to be the parent you need to be to get the reactions from our children that you expect to get in return.
The good news here is that you can change your own reactions and you can do it in an instant. I guarantee you that if you just take the time to think about how you are as a parent and how your reactions come through. If you can actually make changes to those reactions, then the reactions you will get back from your children will change. It has to be that way.
The discovery that by changing ourselves that we change the world or the reactions we get around us is so empowering that it will literally restore the confidence you have in your own natural parenting abilities. We believe that you were born already with the solution to any problem already inside you. We were born with this. The problem is that when we get frustrated or we have emotional responses, our ability to tap into those solutions becomes diminished.
You can learn to tap into this again and to let your natural parenting style come out and to tap into those solutions; the right solution at the right time.
Your natural parenting style is the right parenting style for your kids; not for someone else’s kids and your next door neighbor’s parenting style or your brother’s or your sister’s parenting style, not necessarily going to be right for your kid.
We believe that the way you are today and with the ideas and the caring and the love that you have inside you, your natural parenting style is going to come out and it’s the right response for your children.
We believe that you’re already strong enough, smart enough and worthy enough to become a Blissful Parent. And what you can do by learning more about these types of responses and what you can do about them, you’ll learn to accept your greatness as a parent because you already have that inside you and literally you will become a Blissful Parent when you choose to be.
We’re going to talk all about choosing to be a Blissful Parent in the next section of this video when you continue. We’re going to discuss the 24 essential life skills that you must have as a parent to learn how to control these responses and how to know how to tap into your natural parenting style and do the right thing in the right moment. So click through to the next video, we’ll continue this discussion there.
Your friend and fellow parent,
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker