Arguing back and forth, whether it is with children, friends, or between spouses, doesn’t really end with someone winning. The energy used to argue still negatively hangs in the air, with words that were spoken and can’t be taken back, threats, or disrespecting another’s emotions. People often argue because the need to be right overshadows the need to have a peaceful solution. For parents, arguing with their children and engaging them in back talking doesn’t teach their kids how to respect the feelings someone else.

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Ending an argument rarely happens when one person just gives in. It usually ends with negative consequences, such as storming off, yelling hurtful words, or other unproductive actions. For an argument to have a real solution, someone needs to consciously decide to disengage from the negative situation and commit to finding a peaceful answer. As children have not yet had enough experiences to learn the skill of stopping an argument rationally, it is up to the parents to take the lead.

Parents should be watchful for signs that a discussion is headed for an argument, and be ready to diffuse the situation. One of the fastest ways to end an argument with a child is to acknowledge the feelings of the child. Parents can say something like, “I hear from you that you are really upset about this. Can you tell me more about what is upsetting you?” Even though parents might not like the answers, the child will often be more likely to calm down when he thinks that his parent is listening and respecting his feelings.

Sometimes it will be difficult for kids to even know why they are arguing. They have multitudes of hormones and emotions running through them, and rational thought is not always possible. Giving them a calm environment in which to discuss their feelings might help them to sort them out as well. If acknowledging the child’s feelings doesn’t help the situation, taking a 10 or 20 minute break from the situation can help. Parents just need to make sure that they aren’t acting as if they are just walking away from a challenging moment, but be clear that they are using the time to calm down and think about ways to help the situation and give the child the same opportunity.

Validating children’s feelings will be much more effective than engaging in back talk with them. When kids feel that their parents are truly listening and respecting their feelings, even if they don’t always understand them, they will be more likely to come to parents with other challenging issues. The more parents try to force their children to “give-up” the fight, the more struggles they are asking for. To validate a child’s feelings is to help them learn to communicate and respect others, including moms and dads.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

The first step with this strategy is to be goal oriented and focus on the possible solutions for the problem. Parents need to be careful not to react and place blame on the child. This can actually sometimes just make the situation worse, and make it less likely that a positive solution can be reached. Parents should take a few minutes, or even more if warranted, to calm themselves and make sure they are in a teaching mode instead of a blaming mode.

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The most effective scenarios are ones where the parents encourage their children to think of solutions for the problem. The opportunity for the child to lead this effort teaches him or her about cause and effect, problem solving, and clear communication. Parents can facilitate the learning process by discussing the problem with the child to make sure that everyone understands the dynamics of it the same way. For parents with younger children they can ask them how they think a better ending to the situation would have looked or sounded. Together parents and children can brainstorm lists of possible solutions, with the children leading the way as much as possible.

Once some options for solutions have been discussed, the child can choose the one he or she thinks will solve the problem best. In some situations the solution could be tried for a week or so, then the parents and children can reevaluate whether or not the solution is working. If it is not, then another one from the brainstorm list can be chosen and tried.

An example of how this might work is when a child forgets to put his bike away, and then Dad runs into it in the driveway with the car. Together father and son sit down and list ways this problem can be avoided. The son chooses to hang a picture of himself riding the bike on the back door to remind him to always put it away before coming into the house. He also agrees with Dad that if he forgets to do this, he will lose his bike privilege for a week. At the end of the week the father and son talk about how sometimes the son forgot to put the bike away, but as soon as he saw the picture he ran back and parked it safely. This taught the son responsibility for his possession, as well as the importance of consequences.

Focusing on blaming children when problems arise does not help solve the problems or help to make sure they won’t be repeated in the future. Proactively searching out ways to solve the problem will get better, long-lasting results. Children should also be given the opportunity to lead the process of finding solutions. When this strategy is used, not only will difficult challenges improve, but the relationships between parents and their children will improve as well.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

Lives with children are busy and hectic. There are appointments, classes, and more, and those are just for the kids. When parents add their own work and household responsibilities into the mix, it can leave parents feeling that everything needs to be streamlined. Here is where the frustration starts and builds. Parents might see a task the child needs to do, such as clean up her pet’s cage. It can be really easy for a parent to walk by and direct the child to complete the job, then walk away, only to come back moments later and explode in frustration that the job wasn’t done well or done at all. Sometimes what is really going on is that the child truly does not understand the job or all of the steps in between.

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These types of scenarios really call for parents to take a few extra minutes, clearly and calmly communicate with their child, and help if needed. It often does take longer to help a child learn the proper way than to bark out orders because there is a time pressure for something else. However, those few extra minutes spent building a strong connection will be beneficial in several ways. There will be less chance that anyone in the family will be frustrated, creating a healthier family atmosphere. The children will also learn that their parents see them as valuable and worth the extra time. Taking time to calmly teach children also teaches children to be more independent because they are gaining life skills. Perhaps most importantly, these extra moments taken are opportunities to deepen the parent/child connection.

When parents see that their children are frustrated, they are frustrated themselves, and negative behaviors taking over for everyone, it is time to stop and make a connection. This can mean just taking a few extra minutes to explain something, but sometimes the best thing to do is break out the fun. Adding a little bit of time each day when parents truly enjoy the company of their children, whether it is an hour at the park, a 30 minute walk, splashing in puddles together, or snuggling in chair at the library reading books together.

Building strong connections between parents and children is one of the most important parenting strategies there is. Parents should be aware that they are always teaching their children, and how they teach them really does matter. It is also important to have fun together, even when schedules are crazy. Proactively teaching children in positive ways and celebrating life with them will be foundations for building strong connections.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

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One of the first steps when seeking an effective parenting strategy based on balance is to assess which type of parenting style is most often used naturally. Parents can do a self-assessment of how they see themselves as leaders for their children. Are they generally passive and permissive or constantly struggling to control situations and circumstances? Parents should also set goals for which type of parenting style they wish to provide more of for their children and the reasons why that style would benefit not only the children, but the entire family.

A controlling or strict parent often fears that if he or she relaxes even momentarily that the child will not learn responsibilities or boundaries, and be unable to function successfully in life. However, children often see controlling parents as oppressive dictators who are only trying to keep them down. The children could also interpret this parenting strategy to mean that the parents don’t really like them, or that they don’t value the individuality of the child. It is OK for parents to allow their children to learn from their own mistakes. It does not mean that the parents are too permissive, but that they care enough about their children to see them grow to be independent individuals who can realize their own dreams.

Parents who are too permissive risk raising children who have no respect for authority. While it might be fun to be the child who gets away with everything, the results could be risky behaviors and unrealized potentials. Kids also tend to ignore most of what permissive parents say because they have learned that the rules are not really rules at all and that with enough pushing, the boundaries don’t even have to exist at all. Children in these situations might decide that their parents won’t really do anything about their behaviors anyway. This can actually leave children feeling unloved and of low priority. When it comes to a time where following instructions or directions is paramount, the chances are low that this will happen, risking the safety or success of the child.

The key to all of this is balance. With the right amount of firmness and allowance, parents can support and guide their children into successful lives. This delicate balance is not achieved overnight and it will take practice and patience. It is also a fluid balance, needed to be adjusted according to the life circumstances of the child and family. The positive effects of working to achieve balance in parenting strategies will have life lasting positive impacts.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

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The strategy of training children to learn from the mistakes they make begins with parents acknowledging their own typical responses to their children. In efforts to protect their children from the pain and consequences of mistakes and help lead them in specific, maybe safer directions, parents often resort to over-instruction. It can become a habit of controlling decisions made out of love and a desire to keep children safe and secure.

When children are constantly led or directed in their decisions, even for these seemingly loving reasons, they can actually be held back and negatively impacted. Children who are always told the steps in the process of loading the dishwasher and supervised in the process will never have the need to actually know the information for themselves. When kids are consistently directed on which clothing should be chosen for the day they don’t learn the responsibility for checking the weather and choosing appropriate attire. Basic skills like these need to have value for children, and sometimes the only way something becomes valuable is when the alternative is realized.

If a child is given the opportunity to leave homework on the kitchen table and forgotten, meaning a poor mark in school, that child will learn the value of responsibility with schoolwork. Many times, that child will learn that value much faster and with greater understanding than the child who is consistently questioned each evening and morning about the status of the homework. This is not to say that parents should just blindly let their children navigate through life decisions. It does mean, however, that appropriate levels of guidance used thoughtfully, even when it means a child might suffer consequences of a mistake, can be the best approach to teaching responsibility.

Parents need to assess their individual child’s abilities when training them the benefits of learning from their own mistakes. When appropriate and safe for the child, parents need to consider letting their children fall down, and then be there to help them get back up afterwards. Parents who consistently block their children from ever falling are teaching their children they are not strong enough for the task themselves. This can actually teach children that their own parents don’t have enough trust in them of their abilities.

Training children to learn from their own mistakes also lightens the load for parents. They no longer have to battle constantly with children, trying to convince them follow responsible guidelines. In the long run parents save themselves the frustrations of trying to convince their children that they know best.

Watching children make mistakes is not easy for parents. Seeing them have to face the consequences can be even more difficult. Both of these are necessary, however, for training children the value of learning from their mistakes. Parents can, and should, still be there as guiding forces in their lives, just not controlling ones. Allowing children to discover the natural consequences of choices is an extremely beneficial life skill.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

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It is not uncommon for parents to give directions to their children, and then find themselves repeating these direction over and over again, perhaps getting louder and louder each time. As the frustration grows for the parent who feels his child is not listening, a wall is creeping up between the communication abilities of the parent and child. If the child actually does hear the parent, understand what is being directed, and is simply ignoring the parent, then yelling at the child repeatedly only teaches the child that he does not have to really listen the first time, because Mom or Dad will just repeat it until they are very serious about it.

Another important point to remember is that children do not always hear the true meaning of what parents say to them. Their developing brains are not always at the same place as parents think them to be, and processing information does not occur as it might for adults. Parents need to have empathy for their children and understand that just because a child appears to not follow directions does not mean she is doing it willfully with defiant intentions. While it can be difficult to ascertain if the behavior is due to miscommunication or misconduct, parents can do several things to try to improve the situation before it escalates.

When a child is given a direction and does not follow it, parents should start by asking the child clear questions about the situation. Instead of simply asking, “Did you hear me?” parents should ask their children, “What did I ask you to do?” This can be done in a calm and pleasant way, where the child is just being asked to repeat back to the parent what is expected.

Children are very intuitive, but they are also very susceptible to confusing situations. At very young ages children can often be heard asking, “Why?”. They are constantly seeking out ways to put information together that is clear and makes sense to their developing minds. They try to draw conclusions where sometimes there are none, and they tend to base conclusions on their limited base of knowledge of how things have worked before. Even though a parent might feel he is giving a clear direction, the limited references the child has can muddle the situation.

Parents need to take responsibility for clear communication and begin by remembering that it is not a one way street. They should ask children to clarify what they feel are the expectations, even when they would appear fairly clear, and do so with empathy. Not much will be solved by repeating directions with louder voices and less nurturing. Instead, parents should focus on speaking with their children and asking them questions, therefor including them and their perspectives with the conversation.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

Human brains process emotions with the same portion of the brain that is responsible for focus, impulse control, empathy, judgment, and many other factors related to reasoning. Sometimes emotions can overrun the processes that would typically allow for calm control of a situation. When this happens, reasoning and positive decision-making can be almost impossible. Parents need to find ways to calm themselves so that they can regain control over the part of the brain that will help them make rational decisions.

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Parents can improve these tense situations by employing a positive time out strategy. This strategy is not a self-imposed punishment for feeling overwhelming emotions. Instead, it is a technique that allows parents to regain positive control of the stressful situation. It also helps parents model these valuable skills for their children.

It can be very easy for parents to fall into the trap of reacting to the drama and emotions that their children bring to the situation. Once the ball starts rolling of emotion reacting to emotion, instead of rationalized thoughts reacting to situations, it can be challenging to regroup and look at the situation with perspective.

The positive time out strategy basically means that the parent makes efforts to realize when emotions are running high for either himself, the child, or both, and removes himself from the situation long enough to gain a calmer perspective and encourage the child to do so as well. This might involve telling a teenager who is trying to argue about curfew limits that, “I need to walk away for 10 minutes to calm down and think about this before speaking with you about it.” This strategy separates those involved in a respectful manner and helps put things in perspective. It also teaches children that their parents care enough about them and the situations to want to positively communicate with them. Children then also learn how to use this valuable skill.

Children might want to continue the conflict, and parents need to be consistent and vigilant to follow through on their commitment to walk away and regain composure. Parents can even tell their children that both of them need to have some time alone to think about things, and that when the child is feeling calmer and when Mom or Dad is feeling calmer, everyone can finish the discussion. Kids often benefit from time spent alone playing in their room, reading a book, listening to music, or just taking a walk. When parents use the same technique for themselves, children learn that it is not a punishment, but instead a tool for treating each other more respectfully.

The journey of parenting is not always easy, but learning ways to calm down and separate from the tense situation can really benefit family relationships. Using a positive time out strategy can build healthier bonds between parents and children and help all involved learned to solve differences, even in the craziest of times.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

Positive change starts with parents acknowledging the situations that are the causes of stress and tension in their families and what is causing them to seek better ways. Instead of self-blame, parents should focus on self-reflection. It is important for parents to take the time to consciously decide what behaviors of their own might be contributing to the negative situations, which ones are mirrored by their children, and then determine if there are obvious relationships between the two. When parents are not willing to try new methods, they will continue to have the same results, no matter if these are positive or negative results. If the parents can place the focus on their own needs for change, they can then have the control they need to move forward. Having this positive control can be the difference between detrimental feelings of self-blame and empowering acknowledgment of the needs of their children.

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After parents have proactively decided to seek changes and have acknowledged areas that cause problems or challenges, the next step is to prioritize goals for themselves and for what they hope to accomplish within their families. Parents should know that they are the ones in control of their own thoughts, choices, and actions throughout their parenting journeys. This should feel empowering for parents that they play such important roles in the lives of their children, and see the responsibility as a gift instead of something to overcome. Children will learn to react to the world in ways similar to how their parents act, so setting positive examples is very important. When parents set examples that are nurturing and respectful, they teach their children skills that will benefit them in many ways. Children also learn that their parents are confident and capable, and this too improves the relationships between parents and children.

Whether parents are always are of it or like, they are constantly leading by example. A child who sees a parent yell and scream out of frustration learns negative ways of dealing with emotions and stress. Even those parents who are more passive in their reactions to people, ignoring a problem that seems obvious to others, inadvertently teach children to ignore the situation instead of deal with it proactively. This type of reaction can lead to relationship struggles as much as yelling and screaming.

Even though it can be challenging, parents can take leadership roles within their families, choosing positive behaviors that they wish their children to mirror. Parents need to find ways to calm themselves, communicate effectively, and move the family forward with confidence. When parents acknowledge their roles as influencers in the lives of their children and work to make positive changes that does not involve blame, they are taking responsibility for the well-being of their families. This proactive strategy will help lead parents to create the positive change they strongly desire.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

Excessive television viewing and time spent playing video games can unfortunately lead to even more time in front of the monitors. These passive activities can very addictive for people, especially children. The lives of the characters on television and the situations in the video games can become more important than the real relationships with real people in the lives of children.

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Parents many times do not even realize that their children are spending too much time in front of the television or computer screen. Sometimes it is a matter of busy lives and parents who inadvertently use the television or computer as a babysitter. Before parents realize it, their children are more interested in the latest cartoon episode or computer game characters than they are in spending time in physical or academic activities, pursuing personal interests and hobbies, or even just hanging out with friends and family members.

There are several things that parents can do to deter the television and computer from becoming central fixtures in the lives of their children. The first thing to do is make certain that the television and computer are in central locations in the home and not in the kids’ bedrooms. Keeping the monitors in places where parents can casually walk by serve two purposes. The first is that parents can monitor the time spent more easily. The second is that children are less likely to be viewing or playing inappropriate games in the presence of parents.

Along with choosing a good location for the computer and television, parents need to set firm guidelines for these devices. There should be clear rules set as to how much time is allowed each day, and which shows, games, or online activities are permissible. Parents can also help brainstorm with children about other options for activities that do not revolve around electronics.

Letting the children come up with ideas will help give them ownership and the opportunity to explore other areas of interest. Parents and kids can also make a new routine of a family game night where no electronics are involved. Sometimes it might be necessary for the family to schedule time away from home, such as an evening walk or afternoon at the park, in order to make sure that the television isn’t used even as background noise.

There are many times and occasions when technology, especially computers, are useful and necessary parts of the daily lives of children and adults. Problems can arise, however, when too much unsupervised time is spent by children watching television or playing video games. Relationships with family and friends, as well as overall well-being, can be enhanced when parents monitor their children, set guidelines, and provide other activities for free time.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

One of the first things parents can do is consciously determine for themselves which actions and behaviors are those that they desire for their children to model. Some examples of these might be table manners, responsibility for personal belongings, kind actions and words towards others, and respectful language. Sometimes it can be helpful to focus on a few of the most challenging or important ones when first using this technique, and other behaviors will soon be able to follow.

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Using the modeling technique involves setting the examples for the children. If the desired behavior is to have the children clean up their toys in their room before leaving the room or getting another item out with which to play, there are several ways to help them learn this responsibility. Parents need to be careful to be involved with the transition of activities and remind the children at the beginning of play time as well as when children are finished that the toys need to be put away.

However, the parents also need to be physically ready to help lead the way for their children with the cleaning. Instead of just telling the children NOT to leave a mess, parents should show them how to put the toys away. This method will probably take repeated attempts, but the goal is to create the habits that will be long lasting. Parents also need to model this behavior with their own belongings. When children see that their parents take care of their possessions and their home, they will be more likely to do the same. As parents see their children make progress with this goal, it is important to praise the children as they clean up their toys.

It might seem like common sense, but it is really important for parents to pay attention to their own habits and behaviors. If parents want their children to sit nicely at the dinner table, parents should demonstrate that and praise good behaviors. Sometimes young children bite out of frustration, but instead of just telling those toddlers not to bit, parents should explain about and show what it means to be gentle and have a nice touch.

Parents should also make it a priority to catch their children in the acts of behaving well. Instead of disciplining children for wrong actions, parents should be spending energy on teaching children what they CAN do, and praising them when this happens.

As parents model desired and acceptable behaviors for their children, children will learn as they live. By reaffirming to their children that these are the things that are expected and appreciated, children learn to associate positive words and actions, positive skills that can last a lifetime.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker