There are several things that parents often find blocking their attempts to spend special time with their children. As technology has advanced, so have the demands placed on individuals. Employers can reach employees through email, by cell phones and pagers, and have umbilical-cord-like relationships. All of these responsibilities and strains unintentionally leave children at the lower end of the priority scale.

Even though parents have the best intentions to spend a few minutes together with their children before bedtime, one last check at the computer or with voicemail easily leads to a problem or issue that needs to be addressed. Parents might promise to make up for it the following day, but often that just does not come. The priorities then get placed on providing the necessities for children, such as food, shelter, rides to lessons, and trips to the store for class supplies. What children are really in need of, however, are a few uninterrupted minutes with their parents.

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One of the best ways for parents to make sure their children are receiving those precious special moments is to place it at the top of the priority list and commit to following through with the plan, just as one might commit to turning in a report on time. Giving 20 minutes to a child at the beginning of the evening, turning attention 100% on them, will give parents a sense of peace as they continue on with their night. Turning off cell phones, shutting down the laptop, and refusing to keep one eye on the fax machine are extremely important to truly having special time with kids.

Sometimes it is necessary for parents to leave the house with their kids in order to escape all of those pulls in different directions. Going for a bike ride together, taking the dog for a walk, or heading to the library to snuggle together with a good book are all great options. Parents should remember to ask their kids what kinds of things they would like to do together, and emphasize that this is special time devoted just to their relationship.

Even just knowing that parents are making the time together a priority can make children feel more valued. Young children should have daily time with their parents where they can connect and build their relationships. As kids get older, setting aside a special 30 minutes or an hour each week together is a fun treat for both parents and kids. Making the time and placing priority on special time spent together between parents and children will pay dividends in their future relationships.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

While many parents might have grown up in an environment where the mantra was, “Because I said so,” it does not always make for peaceful and effective parenting. Giving children flat commands as the main source of communication leaves them feeling insignificant. They often resist, trying to assert their independence, and often conflicts, arguments, and yelling are the results. It becomes a battle of wills to see who will outlast the other, and in the end no one wins. As children resort to back talking, parents resort to ultimatums, and their relationships can be damaged in the process.

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Positive parenting is at the heart of solving this type of situation. The solution lies in asking children questions, inviting their input and ideas, and encouraging children to think for themselves. It can be challenging for parents to adjust their parenting methods, and working to include children in decision processes might take some practice. Instead of asking children to clean their rooms, which leaves open the option that a child could say “no”, parents should use open-ended questions. An example of a proactive question a parent could ask instead is, “After you finish cleaning your room would you like to play a game with me or go to the mall?” This approach defines the task that must occur, and then gives the child motivating options for completing the task. The answer involves acknowledging that there is a responsibility to be accepted. Allowing children to have a vested interest in the outcome gives them the independence that they are so often seeking through their rebellions.

Using this approach does not mean that children have to be rewarded for every time they agree to do something. Parents need to make sure they aren’t putting themselves in situations where they are in effect bribing their children. When kids are given choices, the choice is not about whether they will complete the task. The choice is about the positive or negative outcome that will accompany the completed task. Bribing children to complete tasks sets up unrealistic expectations and should be avoided. Giving options and asking for input includes the children in the process, but still requires that the goal be met. Every time there is an activity that needs to be done parents don’t need to give multiple options, but regularly including children in the decision process gives them confidence in their part of the relationship and helps them to feel respected, which are things that most children are striving to do as they mature. Using this approach parents will often find that they have fewer arguments and better communication with their children, something that all families can use a little more of in their lives.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

Incorporating family meetings doesn’t have to take a large amount of time. It just means that there should be one specific time when all of the family is together to work toward the same goals. Parents should form a plan, especially for the first few meetings, as to how the gathering will work. As the family needs change, the format of the meetings can change as well.

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It is important to begin the meeting with as much positive energy as possible. Parents can start with some ground rules, where everyone’s ideas are to be respected, and the discussions at the meetings are private and not for gossiping with friends. This way, children (especially teens), will feel safer sharing their true thoughts. Each family member could then share compliments or things they appreciate in fellow family members. Sometimes this could be how a brother likes his sister’s singing, or a son thanking a father for helping find his skateboard. This only takes a few minutes, but sometimes these are things that would never be said otherwise.

The family meeting is also the time to discuss any problems and form possible solutions. Parents should encourage their kids to help brainstorm positive solutions, and together as a family decide the best choice. At future family meetings the situations should be reviewed and everyone can provide feedback.

The agendas for the meetings can be decided at the beginning of each meeting, or they could be planned in advance, allowing room for “new business” within the time frame. Each person in the family should be encouraged to add to the agenda, so that the family meeting truly represents the family as a whole unit.

Family meetings don’t have to just be about problems and issues that arise. These can also be times to discuss vacations, possible new pets, or birthday parties. Families can also talk about meals for the week, extracurricular activities and schedules, or other family goals. It is even a great time to come up with a family motto or investigate a family crest. These types of things reinforce the unity of family and bring family members together. Displaying the motto or crest in a location visible to everyone can help solidify the commitment of family. At the end of each meeting there could be desserts, a fun game, or a short outing, ending the meeting with a great balance between business and enjoying each other’s company.

Family meetings don’t have to be painful, boring activities. They are great ways to bring people closer and develop strong bonds that will carry family members through difficult times, and make the fun times even better. In a world that revolves around rushed, hectic, running, it is important not to let the family unit fall.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

Arguing back and forth, whether it is with children, friends, or between spouses, doesn’t really end with someone winning. The energy used to argue still negatively hangs in the air, with words that were spoken and can’t be taken back, threats, or disrespecting another’s emotions. People often argue because the need to be right overshadows the need to have a peaceful solution. For parents, arguing with their children and engaging them in back talking doesn’t teach their kids how to respect the feelings someone else.

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Ending an argument rarely happens when one person just gives in. It usually ends with negative consequences, such as storming off, yelling hurtful words, or other unproductive actions. For an argument to have a real solution, someone needs to consciously decide to disengage from the negative situation and commit to finding a peaceful answer. As children have not yet had enough experiences to learn the skill of stopping an argument rationally, it is up to the parents to take the lead.

Parents should be watchful for signs that a discussion is headed for an argument, and be ready to diffuse the situation. One of the fastest ways to end an argument with a child is to acknowledge the feelings of the child. Parents can say something like, “I hear from you that you are really upset about this. Can you tell me more about what is upsetting you?” Even though parents might not like the answers, the child will often be more likely to calm down when he thinks that his parent is listening and respecting his feelings.

Sometimes it will be difficult for kids to even know why they are arguing. They have multitudes of hormones and emotions running through them, and rational thought is not always possible. Giving them a calm environment in which to discuss their feelings might help them to sort them out as well. If acknowledging the child’s feelings doesn’t help the situation, taking a 10 or 20 minute break from the situation can help. Parents just need to make sure that they aren’t acting as if they are just walking away from a challenging moment, but be clear that they are using the time to calm down and think about ways to help the situation and give the child the same opportunity.

Validating children’s feelings will be much more effective than engaging in back talk with them. When kids feel that their parents are truly listening and respecting their feelings, even if they don’t always understand them, they will be more likely to come to parents with other challenging issues. The more parents try to force their children to “give-up” the fight, the more struggles they are asking for. To validate a child’s feelings is to help them learn to communicate and respect others, including moms and dads.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

The first step with this strategy is to be goal oriented and focus on the possible solutions for the problem. Parents need to be careful not to react and place blame on the child. This can actually sometimes just make the situation worse, and make it less likely that a positive solution can be reached. Parents should take a few minutes, or even more if warranted, to calm themselves and make sure they are in a teaching mode instead of a blaming mode.

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The most effective scenarios are ones where the parents encourage their children to think of solutions for the problem. The opportunity for the child to lead this effort teaches him or her about cause and effect, problem solving, and clear communication. Parents can facilitate the learning process by discussing the problem with the child to make sure that everyone understands the dynamics of it the same way. For parents with younger children they can ask them how they think a better ending to the situation would have looked or sounded. Together parents and children can brainstorm lists of possible solutions, with the children leading the way as much as possible.

Once some options for solutions have been discussed, the child can choose the one he or she thinks will solve the problem best. In some situations the solution could be tried for a week or so, then the parents and children can reevaluate whether or not the solution is working. If it is not, then another one from the brainstorm list can be chosen and tried.

An example of how this might work is when a child forgets to put his bike away, and then Dad runs into it in the driveway with the car. Together father and son sit down and list ways this problem can be avoided. The son chooses to hang a picture of himself riding the bike on the back door to remind him to always put it away before coming into the house. He also agrees with Dad that if he forgets to do this, he will lose his bike privilege for a week. At the end of the week the father and son talk about how sometimes the son forgot to put the bike away, but as soon as he saw the picture he ran back and parked it safely. This taught the son responsibility for his possession, as well as the importance of consequences.

Focusing on blaming children when problems arise does not help solve the problems or help to make sure they won’t be repeated in the future. Proactively searching out ways to solve the problem will get better, long-lasting results. Children should also be given the opportunity to lead the process of finding solutions. When this strategy is used, not only will difficult challenges improve, but the relationships between parents and their children will improve as well.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

Lives with children are busy and hectic. There are appointments, classes, and more, and those are just for the kids. When parents add their own work and household responsibilities into the mix, it can leave parents feeling that everything needs to be streamlined. Here is where the frustration starts and builds. Parents might see a task the child needs to do, such as clean up her pet’s cage. It can be really easy for a parent to walk by and direct the child to complete the job, then walk away, only to come back moments later and explode in frustration that the job wasn’t done well or done at all. Sometimes what is really going on is that the child truly does not understand the job or all of the steps in between.

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These types of scenarios really call for parents to take a few extra minutes, clearly and calmly communicate with their child, and help if needed. It often does take longer to help a child learn the proper way than to bark out orders because there is a time pressure for something else. However, those few extra minutes spent building a strong connection will be beneficial in several ways. There will be less chance that anyone in the family will be frustrated, creating a healthier family atmosphere. The children will also learn that their parents see them as valuable and worth the extra time. Taking time to calmly teach children also teaches children to be more independent because they are gaining life skills. Perhaps most importantly, these extra moments taken are opportunities to deepen the parent/child connection.

When parents see that their children are frustrated, they are frustrated themselves, and negative behaviors taking over for everyone, it is time to stop and make a connection. This can mean just taking a few extra minutes to explain something, but sometimes the best thing to do is break out the fun. Adding a little bit of time each day when parents truly enjoy the company of their children, whether it is an hour at the park, a 30 minute walk, splashing in puddles together, or snuggling in chair at the library reading books together.

Building strong connections between parents and children is one of the most important parenting strategies there is. Parents should be aware that they are always teaching their children, and how they teach them really does matter. It is also important to have fun together, even when schedules are crazy. Proactively teaching children in positive ways and celebrating life with them will be foundations for building strong connections.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

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One of the first steps when seeking an effective parenting strategy based on balance is to assess which type of parenting style is most often used naturally. Parents can do a self-assessment of how they see themselves as leaders for their children. Are they generally passive and permissive or constantly struggling to control situations and circumstances? Parents should also set goals for which type of parenting style they wish to provide more of for their children and the reasons why that style would benefit not only the children, but the entire family.

A controlling or strict parent often fears that if he or she relaxes even momentarily that the child will not learn responsibilities or boundaries, and be unable to function successfully in life. However, children often see controlling parents as oppressive dictators who are only trying to keep them down. The children could also interpret this parenting strategy to mean that the parents don’t really like them, or that they don’t value the individuality of the child. It is OK for parents to allow their children to learn from their own mistakes. It does not mean that the parents are too permissive, but that they care enough about their children to see them grow to be independent individuals who can realize their own dreams.

Parents who are too permissive risk raising children who have no respect for authority. While it might be fun to be the child who gets away with everything, the results could be risky behaviors and unrealized potentials. Kids also tend to ignore most of what permissive parents say because they have learned that the rules are not really rules at all and that with enough pushing, the boundaries don’t even have to exist at all. Children in these situations might decide that their parents won’t really do anything about their behaviors anyway. This can actually leave children feeling unloved and of low priority. When it comes to a time where following instructions or directions is paramount, the chances are low that this will happen, risking the safety or success of the child.

The key to all of this is balance. With the right amount of firmness and allowance, parents can support and guide their children into successful lives. This delicate balance is not achieved overnight and it will take practice and patience. It is also a fluid balance, needed to be adjusted according to the life circumstances of the child and family. The positive effects of working to achieve balance in parenting strategies will have life lasting positive impacts.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

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The strategy of training children to learn from the mistakes they make begins with parents acknowledging their own typical responses to their children. In efforts to protect their children from the pain and consequences of mistakes and help lead them in specific, maybe safer directions, parents often resort to over-instruction. It can become a habit of controlling decisions made out of love and a desire to keep children safe and secure.

When children are constantly led or directed in their decisions, even for these seemingly loving reasons, they can actually be held back and negatively impacted. Children who are always told the steps in the process of loading the dishwasher and supervised in the process will never have the need to actually know the information for themselves. When kids are consistently directed on which clothing should be chosen for the day they don’t learn the responsibility for checking the weather and choosing appropriate attire. Basic skills like these need to have value for children, and sometimes the only way something becomes valuable is when the alternative is realized.

If a child is given the opportunity to leave homework on the kitchen table and forgotten, meaning a poor mark in school, that child will learn the value of responsibility with schoolwork. Many times, that child will learn that value much faster and with greater understanding than the child who is consistently questioned each evening and morning about the status of the homework. This is not to say that parents should just blindly let their children navigate through life decisions. It does mean, however, that appropriate levels of guidance used thoughtfully, even when it means a child might suffer consequences of a mistake, can be the best approach to teaching responsibility.

Parents need to assess their individual child’s abilities when training them the benefits of learning from their own mistakes. When appropriate and safe for the child, parents need to consider letting their children fall down, and then be there to help them get back up afterwards. Parents who consistently block their children from ever falling are teaching their children they are not strong enough for the task themselves. This can actually teach children that their own parents don’t have enough trust in them of their abilities.

Training children to learn from their own mistakes also lightens the load for parents. They no longer have to battle constantly with children, trying to convince them follow responsible guidelines. In the long run parents save themselves the frustrations of trying to convince their children that they know best.

Watching children make mistakes is not easy for parents. Seeing them have to face the consequences can be even more difficult. Both of these are necessary, however, for training children the value of learning from their mistakes. Parents can, and should, still be there as guiding forces in their lives, just not controlling ones. Allowing children to discover the natural consequences of choices is an extremely beneficial life skill.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

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It is not uncommon for parents to give directions to their children, and then find themselves repeating these direction over and over again, perhaps getting louder and louder each time. As the frustration grows for the parent who feels his child is not listening, a wall is creeping up between the communication abilities of the parent and child. If the child actually does hear the parent, understand what is being directed, and is simply ignoring the parent, then yelling at the child repeatedly only teaches the child that he does not have to really listen the first time, because Mom or Dad will just repeat it until they are very serious about it.

Another important point to remember is that children do not always hear the true meaning of what parents say to them. Their developing brains are not always at the same place as parents think them to be, and processing information does not occur as it might for adults. Parents need to have empathy for their children and understand that just because a child appears to not follow directions does not mean she is doing it willfully with defiant intentions. While it can be difficult to ascertain if the behavior is due to miscommunication or misconduct, parents can do several things to try to improve the situation before it escalates.

When a child is given a direction and does not follow it, parents should start by asking the child clear questions about the situation. Instead of simply asking, “Did you hear me?” parents should ask their children, “What did I ask you to do?” This can be done in a calm and pleasant way, where the child is just being asked to repeat back to the parent what is expected.

Children are very intuitive, but they are also very susceptible to confusing situations. At very young ages children can often be heard asking, “Why?”. They are constantly seeking out ways to put information together that is clear and makes sense to their developing minds. They try to draw conclusions where sometimes there are none, and they tend to base conclusions on their limited base of knowledge of how things have worked before. Even though a parent might feel he is giving a clear direction, the limited references the child has can muddle the situation.

Parents need to take responsibility for clear communication and begin by remembering that it is not a one way street. They should ask children to clarify what they feel are the expectations, even when they would appear fairly clear, and do so with empathy. Not much will be solved by repeating directions with louder voices and less nurturing. Instead, parents should focus on speaking with their children and asking them questions, therefor including them and their perspectives with the conversation.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker

Human brains process emotions with the same portion of the brain that is responsible for focus, impulse control, empathy, judgment, and many other factors related to reasoning. Sometimes emotions can overrun the processes that would typically allow for calm control of a situation. When this happens, reasoning and positive decision-making can be almost impossible. Parents need to find ways to calm themselves so that they can regain control over the part of the brain that will help them make rational decisions.

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Parents can improve these tense situations by employing a positive time out strategy. This strategy is not a self-imposed punishment for feeling overwhelming emotions. Instead, it is a technique that allows parents to regain positive control of the stressful situation. It also helps parents model these valuable skills for their children.

It can be very easy for parents to fall into the trap of reacting to the drama and emotions that their children bring to the situation. Once the ball starts rolling of emotion reacting to emotion, instead of rationalized thoughts reacting to situations, it can be challenging to regroup and look at the situation with perspective.

The positive time out strategy basically means that the parent makes efforts to realize when emotions are running high for either himself, the child, or both, and removes himself from the situation long enough to gain a calmer perspective and encourage the child to do so as well. This might involve telling a teenager who is trying to argue about curfew limits that, “I need to walk away for 10 minutes to calm down and think about this before speaking with you about it.” This strategy separates those involved in a respectful manner and helps put things in perspective. It also teaches children that their parents care enough about them and the situations to want to positively communicate with them. Children then also learn how to use this valuable skill.

Children might want to continue the conflict, and parents need to be consistent and vigilant to follow through on their commitment to walk away and regain composure. Parents can even tell their children that both of them need to have some time alone to think about things, and that when the child is feeling calmer and when Mom or Dad is feeling calmer, everyone can finish the discussion. Kids often benefit from time spent alone playing in their room, reading a book, listening to music, or just taking a walk. When parents use the same technique for themselves, children learn that it is not a punishment, but instead a tool for treating each other more respectfully.

The journey of parenting is not always easy, but learning ways to calm down and separate from the tense situation can really benefit family relationships. Using a positive time out strategy can build healthier bonds between parents and children and help all involved learned to solve differences, even in the craziest of times.

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Your friend and fellow parent,

Charles Murray
Parenting Coach, Author & Speaker