What can a parent do to deal with a disrespectful child or teen?
24 February 2009
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The most common topic that has been coming into the website lately is how to deal with disrespectful children. It seem like parents are literally at their wits end trying to figure out what to do to deal with the disrespectful behavior that they get from their children.
The problem gets worse when a parent who feels like they have tried everything, and doesn’t know what else to do, turns to trying to “demand” respect. The more they try to demand respect, the more disrespectful behavior they face.
Our Own Behaviour Is The Key
Here at The Blissful Parent, we believe that a parent already has the solution within them, which means that, as parents, we must first be willing to look within ourselves for the answer and also be willing to look at our own behavior. Life often acts as a “mirror” and reflects back to us certain behavior based on how we ourselves are acting or reacting.
So…what kinds of behaviors promote respectful behavior in return?
Children want your attention. If a child (or teen) feels like they are not getting what they need from you, they have ways of getting it. Whether it be in a positive way or a negative one, they will get your attention somehow. If they somehow feel neglected or that something else seems more important than their needs (whether or not it is justified) sub-consciously they will not take you seriously.
If for some reason they feel that you don’t care then they won’t care either. It is a mirror and it is feedback to how well your relationship with them is working. As parents, if we can learn to recognize this behavior as feedback and be willing to take 100% responsibility for our own actions, solutions will be much easier to find. (If you don’t know what we mean by this, you can ask one of our parenting coaches for more information)
Here are some things that you can do that will result in more respectful behavior from your children.
- Spend regular time with your kids. Turn off the computer, PDA, cell phone, television, and any other distraction that will prevent you from connecting with your child during this focused time. It may seem strange and uncomfortable at first, but in time it will begin to feel right. Be 100% present and engage in conversation about a topic that is important to them.
- Be a good listener. Try to listen to your children without any judgment of whether or not what they are saying is good or bad, right or wrong. Understand that whatever they have to say is true for them in that moment. Just listen to them without interruption by just letting them talk. Asking questions shows them that you take an interest in what they are saying and that you want to understand more about who they are and what is important to them. A little understanding goes a long way when you are trying to repair a disrespectful relationship with your child.
- Be impeccable with your word. This means following through with everything that you say. Keep your promises, agreements, and commitments. One broken promise, no matter how big or small, can lead to a response that will seem disrespectful. To break a promise sub-consciously communicates to your child that “you don’t care”. Even if it is something small, all promises and agreements are a BIG deal.
Same goes for discipline. If you warn them of a certain consequence for a particular behavior and then you don’t follow through, it sub-consciously communicates that you don’t take it seriously. If you are not going to take it seriously, then why should they?
By the way, if you are doing some of the things that we have been talking about here today, it does not mean that you are a BAD parent, just a human one.
Disrespectful behavior is correctable with few simple shifts and good quality time spent building or re-building the relationship that you have with your kids.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to see how you are doing:
- Are you spending any 100% focused time with your child each day?
- When you do spend some time with them, is it doing something that THEY enjoy doing? Is there any talking involved?
- Are you listening to your child without judgment? Are they afraid to be wrong in front of you?
- Do you keep ALL of your promises?
- Do you follow through with your communicated consequences for bad behavior?
As parents, if we would just be willing to look at our own behavior as part of the solution, life’s mirror will show us different behavior in return.
What's Your Opinion?
If you have any suggestions, stories, or questions about the about the above article, please post your comments below.
Learn 6 Strategies For Eliminating Bad Child Behavior Problems For Peaceful Relationships With Your Kids.
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